Body

You think of your height. You remember your shoulders towering over the shoulders of your classmates standing in line in grade school. You remember standing the back of photos of family and organizations and any group photos with standing. You remember walking gangly at fourteen through record stores and bumbling past strangers in the isles, tripping over your feet. You think of your shoes. You lament most stores do not carry size fifteen but lauded online shopping trips find them occasionally. You remember basketball as a constant, lingering suggestion. You remember making the seventh grade B-team and sitting on the beach, cheering on your teammates throughout the season. You remember being kept on the team because of your spirit. You remember gaining weight in high school and becoming more comfortable with your size. You remember the nagging suggestions to play football once you reached high school. You remember giving into the suggestion. You remember playing offensive tackle, the guaranteed violence of every play matched against the defensive line with the wholesome goals of protecting your quarterback from the blitz or giving your running back room to run. You remember laughing at the dichotomy. You remember moving in the middle of high school and ending your football career after your second concussion. You remember your mother’s happiness about this decision to protect your large body. You remember missing the grind of practice but not the stress of games. You remember squeezing into school bus seats in full pads with your teammates on the way to games. You remember auditioning for mascot at your new school. You remember lounging on the school bus with the bag containing your costume under the seat as the rest of the cheerleaders chatted about classes at the new high school around you. You remember laughing at the new dichotomy. You suddenly think of dancing. You remember finally becoming comfortable enough in your body to dance well. You think back to four proms, countless formals, and infinite nights dancing in bars. You remember junior prom. You remember being told you made a good boyfriend because of your size, because you were so masculine. You remember not taking the compliment well, smiling awkwardly, feeling disconnected from your body. You remember tall girlfriends complimenting your height, making them feel comfortable wearing heels and boots. You think back to hugs given by your mother and father and being taller than both of them. You remember your father’s jokes about your weight and becoming a vegetarian for six months. You remember when your father took up power lifting and could bend quarters, how people often mistook his mountains of muscles for fat. You remember laughing at this third dichotomy.